Those who have followed me for a while on here, as well as my friends and family, know that I've struggled with depression in the past, even though I never got that label pinned on me. I'm not saying that the black dog is all gone now but I've improved so much over the last couple of years that just thinking about this change puts a smile on my face :>)
Talking about a smile on my face, just looking at the following collage, that I made a year and 8 months ago, for a write up called A Year in 12 Selfies - A Positive Post on Depression, tells the story, in a way.
It's easy to tell the difference between an attempt at a smile or a forced smile and a genuine smile, coming from inside. It might also be the eyes, not necessarily the mouth alone.
I have gone through such a transition over the last three years or so, it amazes me. At the same time, I feel like it has all just begun.
Frankly, there's still moments when I'm under the weather, but these moments come and go like drifting clouds or the sea's tides. In other words, they aren't long lasting at all. I'm aware of the temporary aspect of my feelings and how much my thoughts - that I can actually influence - are causing them. I've got more and more tricks up my sleeves these days to deal with these so called 'tougher' times.
Today, something happened to me that usually doesn't come easily to me on days like this. Or to rephrase this, it didn't happen, I made it happen.
I went out into the rain, weather that used to depress me easily, to visit my local cafe/ restaurant. After arrival, I had a coffee ( first one in a week ), then some herbal tea. A little later, I ordered a snack and asked for some meat as I can surely use some extra protein these days. What I got was entrecoste com pão ( apparently not entrecôte but spare ribs, with some sauce and two buns ), I also decided to go for some vinho tinto ( red wine ).
You could say that, in a way, I ordered all the things that I try to not have a lot. I made sure not to feel guilty about it. My last glass of alcohol was consumed, like my coffee, exactly a week ago.
After finishing my food, I went on a twenty minute walk in the wind and rain. I threw my umbrella in the air twice. The second time it almost hit my eyes but I managed to catch it and laughed out loud. I started humming the melody of Totoro ( an awesome animated 1980s movie from Japan that talks about two young girls who meet a fantasy creature named 'Totoro', a metaphor for the wind ).
On my late afternoon walk, I thoroughly enjoyed the fresh air, the exercise, the drifting clouds, the couple of birds that I saw and the ever greener nature around me. In fact, I enjoyed everything around me.
All is well.
I was probably extra happy because I had managed to do something - in the restaurant - that usually feels like an effort: I was friendly to anyone and everyone. Even to the 'homem porco' ( pig man ), a villager that goes by that name, whose vibe I never ( thought I ) liked. He seemed surprised by my attention.
I made jokes and a little talk with everyone and spent almost an hour and a half, chilling at my table, feeling good and oozing good vibes and positivity overall. Interestingly enough, most other people seemed to be struggling, in their own heads, distracted by the weather, family issues, thinking of the past and the future. I myself was very much in the now.
Usually other people's low energy would bring me down but not today. In fact, I felt like lifting them up, as I had a spare battery or extra power for the day.
I did not complain about the weather but - instead - made a neighbor laugh after she arrived, by saying:
"Bom Verao!" ( Happy Summer ), even though we are in the middle of Winter here and it's a particularly grey and rainy day.
I can't pinpoint why all of this happened exactly and why it came so easily to me. I usually struggle on these kind of days, being low on energy and with a tendency towards being in my head, worrying, stressing out, feeling somewhat depressed.
Why was Today Different?
It might be the 21 Day Abundance meditation challenge that I'm on ( made it to day 19 now ), the Daily Breath podcast that I listen to by Deepak Chopra, a documentary that I watched today on ( the ) death and the last years in the life of a 29 year old German guy ( making me aware of the impermanence of life ) or the episode op the 'You Can Heal Your Life' podcast that I listened to this afternoon titled 'Joy Rushes In'.
It's probably a mix of all the aforementioned. The main thing is that I'm proud to not feel under the weather, even though I have been snotty for a week and the weather is the opposite of sunny lately.
It's always so easy to make excuses, to have a pity party ( feeling sorry for yourself ) but why not focus on feeling good, no matter the circumstances? I plan to make what 'happened' today a habit not just a happenstance, by training this muscle and changing my believe.
What do You Believe?
If you're one of those people - like I used to be - who are of the 'my glass is half empty' type, don't give up yet. There's still hope. That is, if you're willing to work on it. Believe me, you can actually change and become a more happy and positive person, ending up belonging to the 'my glass is half full' group.
And let's be honest, half full or half empty, it's just as much. It's just a matter of perspective ;>)
If being happy or not, is actually a choice - and I believe it is - then what do you choose?
Just think about it.
Much love,
Vincent
My previous writing on depression:
Finding Alternative Ways of Living to Fight Depression Part 1
Finding Alternative Ways of Living Part 2-Considering Migrating to Portugal
Start to Live Your Dream - Finding Alternative Ways of Living Part 3
Photo Stories - A Year in 12 Selfies - A Positive Post on Depression
I also recorded a talk that I had on depression and creativity with @Inuke a year ago. The audio seems to be gone from DSound but there's still a transcript, with part of the conversation, for those interested:
Unfinished Stories - Let's Talk about Depression
Sunny side up picture from Pixabay.com
All other pictures are taken by me